Unrequited Love: A Letter to the Father

"Because I don't know if I am who you called me to be..."

I don't know, Father. I struggle to receive your love. I struggle to fathom that a good and perfect God wants imperfect me in all my brokenness. It's hard for me to understand that you love me still even when I wasn't loving or kind to one of yours. I feel terrible when I get angry or upset with another so I don't come in your presence.

It's just a place in my heart that is used to getting hurt, rejected, and misunderstood by others that I feel like you don't want it, but that's 80% of my heart still. I'm used to people leaving when I'm not perfect as expected. I'm used to people leaving and forsaking me when I make a mistake, so I have to be perfect so as to not cause offense, right?

And when I am human most days, I don't feel worthy to come into your presence.

How can I trust you? How can I rely on the truth of your unfailing love for me when I struggle to believe that anyone at all loves me? I don't know, maybe I struggle with abandonment or as said I'm just used to the pain of everyone leaving or disappointing me so I expect to be treated the same way in all spheres and trust me, I have. Church is no longer my safe space and Christians have proven time and time again that they truly despise my presence; that's why I stay to myself or I don't speak.

No amount of mentoring and counseling can repair what I've endured these past 9 years after saying yes to You. But a broken spirit and a contrite heart you will not despise. Like David, let me know your heart, help me to desire your presence all the days of my life.🙇🏽‍♀️